Hmmmm

Its been a while since my last post and to be honest it feels like an eternity.

A friend posted an old picture of me a couple weeks ago, from the start of collage.
I looked at it and wonder how i turned from that honest and good person into the self destoying person i am today.
All i seem to be able to do is hurt any woman i have actually cared about.

I havnt been sleeping well of late, this is mainly because everytime i try to sleep the memorys of what i have done and the self hatred always creep in.

I seem to have taken many steps back in life, i'm trying to find the willpower to get back ahead but my god its taking it out of my spirit.

The messy blur that we in the buisness call uni

What can i say

I'm now officially a uni student

and have been for 4 weeks now

ups downs and drunken days/nights/mornings ect...

good people, great places and I'm gigging again

so life is good :)

Trapped

I feel trapped in my own house

and would do anything just to get out

So...

i did it

i ended it and my god i wish i didn't have to

but that's the problem, i knew i could never be properly happy

as much as i wish it could of worked

we are too different.

And once again i thank my closest friends for bringing me through.

I dont know what to do

i'm trying my best

all i want is to see you

and for you to talk to me


please

Summer time

Well its happened

All work done, college finished and the summer is upon me

Although at this rate i'm gonna drive myself mad before the end of it

There have been problems in my life over the last year or so that i finaly thought i was getting over.

i cut down on the drink
i was eating well again
i pulled of the ocational real smile
hell i was even getting back in shape

but....

I seem to have regressed over the last two weeks

once again i keep finding myself alone when there are so many people there for me

sitting in the dark with drink and fags in hand and trying to hold back the emotions i know will drive me mad

i went out last night knowing full well i would end up in the pub garden on my own with wiskey and fags while the rest were inside enjoying themselves

yet i still went out with a vein hope of a good night ahead

my mind seems to be forever dwelling on the past and that bitch

no thats not fair

they were a good time with a bad ending like all relationships

i'm starting to get in a bad mood so i'm going for a drink and a smoke to calm myself down

wright again soon

Procrastanating

Should be doing work right now

FINAL deadline is tomorrow but i am really not in the state of mind to do it

I'm looking at an imposable mountain of work that should have been done through the year but because of a lecturer (i will not name who) cocked up royally I'm looking at a nice big FAIL

though i may not pass this year at college i don't really think i mind

allot has gone wrong

but too many things have gone write for me to think this year has gone anything but very well

friends have come in few numbers this year but the one that have are probably the best I've ever had

I've had my heart broken allot this year

but I've stitched it back together as best i can and it's gaining strength with the help of a certain someone :)

I'm look forward to the endless summer

and trying not to think of when it all finishes and we go our separate ways

i best get back to work

will write again with news on college, the pub and many other happy places